I have been writing for about 14 years now. So far, I’m haven’t been successful in attracting either an agent or a book deal. At the moment I am still like the stereotypical singer songwriter, going from pub to pub doing cover versions while hoping to make it big with a tune of my own. My head knows that only a tiny percentage of would-be writers become successful authors, but my heart, despite the numerous setbacks, is determined to carry on. I keep telling myself, if not this book, then the next one. I don’t want to come across as bitter – I am not. My writing has matured and improved with practice, I’m just disappointed in myself that it hasn’t improved enough YET to get a book deal. But I am pragmatic and determined. I am convinced it is merely a matter of When and not If.
It might seem strange, but after 4 novels, I have grown used to the rejection so it doesn’t bother me that much. The hardest part – and this is the part I find really difficult – is during the writing slump that I routinely fall victim to mid-way through its composition. Those nights that you’re staring at the laptop screen and nothing comes out. I don’t suffer from writers block specifically – I have plenty of material in my head, I’m struggling with focus and enthusiasm brought on by a lack of confidence. I want my work to be good. For the long hours of writing and editing to mean something. For it to be appreciated and endorsed by industry experts, agents, publishers and the like. Ultimately, I imagine all writers want their work to get out to as wide an audience as possible. And I want my readers to love the characters that I’ve created, to journey with them through the story arc. To emote with them. At times I think we all need a pat on the back and to be told – ‘yes, this is good, keep going.’ Without it we have a habit of wallowing in self-doubt, I know I do. Those are the hard days. Those are the days that I need to dig deep, to continue writing even though I’m convinced that this novel will ultimately be rejected and only be read in a bundle of printed A4 sheets by a small handful of family and friends.
Another slightly unexpected side effect of having no publishing deal or an agent to answer to, means that you have no deadline. Or at least no concrete deadline. I’m pretty sure that when we begin a new novel, we all have a date we want to get a first draft done for – by Christmas, before you go away on a holiday, your birthday or some other date that is achievable if you keep up a reasonable daily word count. But life gets in the way and you start to slip. You miss a day here and there, or you only do 50% of what you were hoping to do. At the start, you are conscious of the missed writing days so you make up on weekends, but after a while, you stop trying to catch up. You shrug your shoulders and think ‘what does it really matter?’ Does it really matter if it if another month? Or two months? But what’s really going on in my head? Why bother to write if nobody is going to read it. That’s when my writing productivity is at its worst.
‘I hate writing, but I love having written,’ is a quote that’s been attributed to both Dorothy Parker and Frank Norris. This quote comforts me in a strange way. It tells me that, like myself, other authors have found the process of writing extremely difficult, but that they too had a sense of accomplishment from having completed it and had a copy – good, bad or indifferent in their hands. That was the real achievement.
So why do I do it? Why do I keep writing? I write because I know I have good stories to tell. Stories that entertain and in the case of my latest novel hopefully make you think. Apparently, I am still honing my writing craft. I will keep writing and more importantly reading. I’ve expanded my reading base as well, dipping into different genres and writing styles that I would have ignored or breezed by in the past. Will that improve my writing? God knows, but it can’t hurt. Every book I write, I know I’m getting better. I will get a book deal. I’m absolutely sure of it.
In the meantime, I have agreed with Kazoo – an Independent Irish publisher to help me produce high quality physical copies along with formats for the ebook version for my fourth and latest novel – The Cautionary Woman. And if they are not a thing of the past, I hope to have a real book launch in a real bookshop.
While I am waiting on these to be produced, I can report that I’m well into writing my next novel, one I am provisionally calling The Breakaway. Perhaps it will be the one? Only time will tell.
(c) Darren Darker