For most of us, writing isn’t easy but in my experience some parts of the process are easier than others. For example it’s relatively easy to begin writing a book. And it’s relatively straightforward to start a new chapter but it’s another thing altogether to finish either. It can be extremely hard to grind out the completed, cleaned and edited chapters and it is without a doubt very hard to finish a novel. It requires determination, commitment and mental strength. Writing under a cloud of depression doesn’t affect the first two but it can have a devastating effect upon the last.
In many ways writing while suffering from depression is like fighting a war on several fronts. You are battling all of the normal writing enemies such as time management, internet distractions, occasional creativity blocks, family and financial stresses but you trying to do this while your biggest ally – your mind, isn’t just not helping you it’s actively working against you.
In my case, depression exaggerates my perceived failings or my perception of myself including self loathing to a degree I say to myself ‘what’s the point? Why bother? You’re useless.’ The nature of getting your material published doesn’t help sufferers either. Waiting for months for a Dear John letter or more often than not getting no reply good bad or indifferent from your submission can be soul destroying to the strongest of minds so can you imagine is effect on a fragile one? Criticism even welcome constructive criticism can be exaggerated greatly in the mind to the point where the writer will block it out until they feel strong enough to take it on board.
I have suffered from depression for nearly twenty years and have been writing for about eight. I love writing. I love seeing my creation develop on the page. I relish the opportunity to see my characters as they come to life, to become whole. While I am still waiting for my literary break through, I know it will come. I feel that in every fibre of my body. Depression has slowed me down but not stopped me. And for those of you out there that are trying to create magic on a page, don’t let it stop you either. You will get there.
While all of things are going on in our heads, we must remember that we’re not alone. Our creative voices don’t just need to be heard – they demand to be! It’s a way of telling our demons that we are better than their opinion of us. That we are right to continue writing and that all of the negative thoughts that our mind creates as roadblocks in our way can simply feck off because you’re not listening anymore!
Unfortunately for most of us, there is a purported link between creativity and mental illness. I myself must be extremely creative! Swedish researchers publishing in the Journal of Psychiatric Research reported that “for writers there was an increase in most psychiatric disorders, not seen in (their) relatives.” They also went on to suggest that they found a strong link between bipolar disorder and creativity. “Our interpretation is that environmental factors are important – a tough situation for writers”
We are in good company as several notable authors have gone on record as writing under a cloud. Authors such as Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar), Tennessee Williams (Street Car Named Desire), F Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby) along with JK Rowling who is probably the most successful writer in recent history.
In an interview in 2000 with The Times newspaper, Rowling described depression as: “The absence of hope. The very deadening feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Ad hurts but is a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.”
Their writings or topics are often a way to express their struggles. For example, the Dementors in the Harry Potter novels are apparently a physical manifestation of her own depression.
Tennessee Williams in his play (and later movie) – “The Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore” wrote: “We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it.”
To me, this describes depression beautifully.
While most of us are lucky to have family and friends around to support us (and hopefully be a constant source of food and tea), writing is by its nature a solitary occupation. This isn’t something that lends itself to aiding a sufferer. I know that the last thing I want to be is alone with my thoughts. So I try and fill them with character development, double crosses and high speed car chases. It doesn’t always work but it can be such a wonderful distraction when it does.
Personally I’m just going to continue to plough my literary furrow with my fourth novel till I make it. It might be taking longer than expected but in the meantime, I’ll just keep writing and taking my meds!
(c) Darren Darker